Subject: Magazine survey - are you and your alien lover compatible?
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 1998 21:24:17 -0800
From: "Earl S. Garber"

Note:  My replies are in [brackets]

Have had missing or lost time of any length, especially one hour or more.
[Geez...I just lost a whole hour looking at this website...]

Have been paralyzed in bed with a being in your room.
[Yeah...and she was a hot babe of a being at that!!!]

Have unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them. especially if you have an emotional
reaction to them. (i.e. small scoop indentation, straight line scar, scars in roof of mouth. in nose, behind or in ears,
or genitals, etc.
[Sure...that was the alien chicken pox that I had...]

Have seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations
[Goodness, gracious, great balls o' fire...]

Have a memory of flying through the air which could not be a dream.
[Yep...and I have a memory of landing on the runway later.]

Have a "marker memory" that will not go away (i.e.: alien face, examination, needle, table, strange baby, etc.)
[I have a memory of writing graffiti on an alien ship with a marker.]

Have seen beams of light outside your home, or come into your room through a window.
[Duh...I think they are called "headlights", and they are on things called "cars"]

Have had dreams of UFOs, beams of light, or alien beings.
[And in my dreams, I ridicule the aliens, and they kick me off the landing pad while making rude remarks about
"evolutionary dead ends" and "a few chromosomes short of a full monkey"]

Have had a UFO sighting or sightings in your life.
[I've seen UFO hoaxes, but everyone denies it, telling me I must have seen an alien or something...]

Have a cosmic awareness, an interest in ecology, environment, vegetarianism, or are very socially conscious.
[I have a strong awareness of the need to recycle dead aliens and their vehicles!]

Have a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform, without knowing where this compulsion came from.
[I think it's called "work" and the reason is called "money"]

Have had unexplainable events occur in your life, and felt strangely anxious afterwards.
[Yeah, like, I found this web site, you know, and dude, it was full of totally bogus alien stuff...]

For women only: Have had false pregnancy or missing fetus. (pregnant, and then not)
[Yeah, that happened to someone...and the fetus was emitting waves that were jamming the ultrasound too!]

Have awoken in another place than where you went to sleep, or don't remember ever going to sleep.
(i.e. upside down in bed, or in your car)
[Or lying  in the gutter with a bottle of cheap wine]

Have had a dream of eyes such as animal eyes (like an owl or deer), or remember seeing an animal looking in at you.
Also if you have a fear of eyes.
[Quit staring at my message! I know you're staring at it! Stop it now!!!]

Have awoken in the middle of the night startled.
[Dang it! I knew it was aliens who turned off the answering machine and let my phone ring!]

Have strong reaction to cover of Communion or pictures of aliens. Either an aversion to or being drawn to.
[I am drawn to ridicule them...does that count?]

Have inexplicably strong fears or phobias. (i.e. heights, snakes, spiders, large insects, certain sounds, bright lights,
your personal security or being alone).
[The aliens are stealing the VCR!  E.T., phone 911!!!]

Have experienced self-esteem problem much of your life.
[Stop picking on me!]

Have seen someone with you become paralyzed, motionless, or frozen in time, especially someone you sleep with.
[No, women never have that reaction when I drop my shorts...]

Have awoken with marks, burns or bruises which appeared during the night with no explanation
on how you could have possibly received them.
[No...there's no explanation, dear...this is not what it looks like...]

Have had someone in your life who claims to have witnessed a ship or alien near you
or has witnessed you having been missing.
[Now how can someone witness you if you're missing? Yank that implant outta your butt and try that one again.]

Have had, at any time, an unusual stain on sheet or pillow, with no explanation of how it got there.
[You've lost a few years' memory of your adolescence if you can't figure THAT one out...]

Have an interest in the subject of UFO sightings or aliens, perhaps compelled to read about it a lot,
or an extreme aversion towards the subject.
[See above...extreme need to ridicule said subject...]

Have been suddenly compelled to drive or walk to an out of the way or unknown area.
[And pick up a burger at an unfamiliar fast-food joint]

Have the feeling of being watched much of the time, especially at night.
[Dang! I knew I forgot to turn off the camcorder...]

Have had dreams of passing through a closed window or solid wall.
[How about a window in a bar?]

Have seen a strange fog or haze that should not be there.
[Excuse me while I kiss the sky...]

Have heard strange humming or pulsing sounds, and you could not identify the source.
[But I took my car in, and they fixed them.]

Have had unusual nose bleeds at any time in your life. Or have awoken with a nose bleed.
[This just in...aliens cause high blood pressure! Film at 11.]

Have awoken with soreness in your genitals which can not be explained.
[But that momentarily paralyzed alien next to me sure can explain it.]

Have had back or neck problems, T-3 vertebrae out often, or awoken with an unusual stiffness in any part of the body.
[See last answer...especially with regard to "stiffness"]

Have had chronic sinusitis or nasal problems.
[Help! There's an alien ship up my nose!]

Have had electronics around you go haywire or oddly malfunction with noexplanation
(such as street lights going out as you walk under them, TV's and radios affected as you move close, etc.).
[And you know what's REALLY weird? They all say "Fix me...FIX ME!!!]

Have seen a hooded figure in or near your home, especially next to your bed.
[Not me, I'm not a Klan member.]

Have had frequent or sporadic ringing in your ears, especially in one ear.
[See above note - re: Aliens turned off my answering machine.]

Have an unusual fear of doctors or tend to avoid medical treatment.
[I'm afraid of doctors who believe in aliens and other hooey...]

Have insomnia or sleep disorders which are puzzling to you.
[And I lose lots of sleep worrying about sleep disorders.]

Have had dreams of doctors or medical procedures.
[And malpractice suits...boy, that's REALLY scary!]

Have frequent or sporadic headaches, especially in the sinus, behind one eye, or in one ear.
[After all these questions, I NOW have a headache!]

Have the feeling that you are going crazy for even thinking about these sorts of things.
[I asked my other personality and my imaginary friend, and they both say I'm not crazy.]

Have had paranormal or psychic experiences, including intuition.
[I sense extreme hostility on the part of the webmaster...]

Have been prone to compulsive or addictive behavior.
[See above answer...re: extreme need to ridicule...]

Have channeled telepathic messages from extraterrestrials.
[Message coming in now from mother ship...they say you're full of hooey.]

Have been afraid of your closet, now or as a child.
[Yeah! The closet! I was afraid Ellen DeGeneres would come out...and NOW look what happened!!!]

Have had sexual or relationship problems (such as a mysterious "feeling" that you must not become involved
in a relationship because it would interfere with "something" important you must do).
[Like dating other women and having beer with my buddies?]

Have to sleep against the wall or must sleep with your bed against a wall.
[Do I get bonus points for "have to sleep with bed bolted to floor, in full impact arrest harness, wearing body armor..."]

Have a difficult time trusting other people. especially authority figures.
[As a kid, I had a difficult time trusting ACTION figures...]

Have had dreams of destruction or catastrophe.
[Hey, wait a minute...is this really the Ted Kaczynski questionnaire?]

Have the feeling that you are not supposed to talk about these things, or that you should not talk about them.
[Or laugh at them, or ridicule them, or write TV scripts to sell to Comedy Central about them...]

Have tried to resolve these types of problems with little or no success.
[Yeah...darn U-FOOLogists have no sense of humor!]

Have many of these traits but can't remember anything about an abduction or alien encounter.
[Oh well...long after the memories have been altered, we can still laugh about it.]

The following is a commentary by the author of THIS web page (that's me):

YOUR SCORE, AND WHAT IT MEANS:

52-47: You are so gullible that scam artists come to your house dressed as aliens in order to get you
            to pay up front to have your driveway re-paved.

46-40: You have bought UFO flight tickets hoping for more frequent flyer miles.

39-33: Not quite as easily duped...but you still think those reflections on your car window at night
           are alien ships from the planets "FUEL" and "OIL".

32-27: A true wannabee...you think that the "Free Dilithium Crystals" sign on the lawn is gonna get you beamed up.

26-20: Skeptical, but you still check the doctor's diploma to make sure it's from a college on Earth.

19-13: Non-believer - you wish YOU had been the first one to put together the last UFO hoax.

12- 6: Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

5- 1: Don't believe at all, but if they ARE out there, if they come for you, their phasers will be on OBLITERATE!

0:     Survey? What survey? You just THINK you saw a survey. It was probably lightning or fog, or a military
        aircraft. And don't go telling anyone else about this "survey", because they'll think you are, you know,
        (making circular motion in the air)...OK? By the way, my name is Agent Orange...
 

Notes about the author of  THIS web page (me):

The author is a non-believer who hopes some day to be proven wrong, but is resigned to the likely scenario that any
civilization will self-destruct (nuclear, environmental damage, biological warfare, etc.) before becoming capable of
intergalactic travel. Seriously.

Questions?  Comments?
Transmissions from the
mother ship???
 Email me here.

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