Bogus News: We have here today a man who is obsessed with the musical
                    "CATS". Can you please tell us a bit about your obsession?

Catman:  Well, it started years ago when I saw this woman in Penthouse
                wearing nothing but a fur costume, and then I was hooked. Kinda like
                cat scratch fever, you know?

BN: What happened then?

Catman: I started drinking milk...from a bowl. I ate tuna like it was going out of style.
                But then it really got out of hand when I went to New York to see "CATS."

BN: How so?

Catman: I bought catnip at a pet store near the hotel, and put it under my hat. I was
                hoping one of the dancers would come out into the audience after me and
                start sniffing me, you know, and maybe rub up against me...

BN: That's a heck of a fantasy!  Did you really think they'd come after you?

Catman: Well, hey, I'm a friendly looking guy. I could swear I heard them purring when
                they were looking in my direction.

BN: Tell me what happened then. I heard that it started to get out of control...

Catman: I would see the show every day, and, you know, I started rubbing butter on
                my legs.

BN: Butter?

Catman: I once left a saucer of milk in the aisle. That's when I got my first warning.

BN: How many warnings did you get?

Catman: Oh, about three or four. Once I got one for bringing a parakeet to the show.
                I got another one one night when I snuck in backstage and tried to pet one
                of them in a dressing room. This one tomcat type said he'd claw me to bits
                if I pulled a stunt like that again. Yeah, right away, pal! I swear, I'll get him neutered!
                You know who you are, and you got an appointment with the vet, buddy!

BN: Okay, okay! Throw a wet blanket on it already!

Catman: Sorry. Gotta lay off the cod liver oil.

BN: This has been interesting, but what was it that finally got you banned from the theater?

Catman: It was the time when I held up two mice and yelled "Come and get it!"

BN: Live mice?

Catman: Sure! Cats don't chase dead ones, do they?

BN: You held up live mice in a theater full of people?

Catman: Hey, I got some decency. I didn't yell "Here, pussy pussy pussy! Here, pussy..."

BN: That's about all the time we have for tonight.  Coming up, an interview with a woman
        who is suing the creator of the movie "Species" for stealing her autobiography, "Papa
        Was A Rolling Meteorite".

Catman: "...I know you're in heat...here, pussy pussy..."

BN: Get a life!!!
 

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