As in:

Imitation is the sincerest form of bloggery.

The knights who say "ni" demand a sacrifice.  We want...a bloggery!

Whosoever shall be convicted of the abominable crime of bloggery shall be
     imprisoned for a term not exceeding 10 years.

Bloggery see, bloggery do...

Get thee to a bloggery!  Why wouldst thou be a breeder of bloggers?  Go thy ways
     to a bloggery.  To a bloggery, go.

You're making a bloggery of this whole system!

Enough of this tombloggery!

Play your bloggerydoo, Blue - Play your bloggerydoo
      Keep playin' 'til I shoot thru, Blue - Play your bloggerydoo!

A collection of excerpts from emails I've sent.....

Response to a spam email about "Michael Buble lyrics"...
Can't find the lyrics.  All I remember is that Mr. Bubble was Mr. Clean's little bro. That was
back when bald cartoon characters could drive product sales. Oh how I miss those days.
C'mon Elmer, finish your coffee. We've got a wascally wabbit to shoot today.

Posted in reply to a spammer advertising Xanax, under the name "Late Night Dave"...
Top ten list of Xanax side effects:

10: Paranoid delusions of being chased by Zoloft salesmen
9: Panic attacks when you have to pay for it
8: Posting top 10 lists about Xanax. Oops, did I actually write that?
7: Aggravation from fiddling with those damn child-proof caps
6: Frustration over those damn children who made you have to use those damn child-proof caps
5: Insomnia causing you to watch late night TV shows
4: Fear that Conan O'Brian will be the only thing on late-night TV
3: Sexual side effects, such as priapism in a crowded elevator
2: Projectile vomiting
And the number one side effect of Xanax:
1: Obsessive-compulsive spamming.

Comment on a message board about "Are past lives just a memory error?"
In one of my past lives, I was an amnesiac - because I don't remember having any past lives.
In my future, I'm an unemployed bum - because obviously I'm not able to afford to time travel back
and tell myself anything different.

About a woman in a chat room who couldn't stand the taste of chocolate:
It's because chocolate reminds of her ex-boyfriend Willie Wonka.  He didn't even break up with her
in person - he had an Oompa Loompa leave her a voice mail.  "Oompa Loompa, doom-pa-dee-doo,
I've got a Dear John letter for you..."

Response to a warning about hoax bulletins on Myspace:
Lots of people are posting bulletins that warn people about things like hoax bulletins that say
"don't add so-and-so as a friend, it's a virus, if you add them you'll get a virus and all ur(sic) friends
will get it too", and OF COURSE IT THEN SAYS something like "don't repost these warnings
about these bulletins, it's a hoax".  That last line, warning about telling you to repost the bulletin, indicates
that the bulletin is a HOAXING HOAX using fear to get people to clog up MySpace's system with
exponentially-growing numbers of reposted warnings about hoax-bulletins.
Please, friends, don't fall for that nonsense. Don't post such warnings about bulletins. And PLEASE
don't repost such bulletins about warnings. And NEVER, NEVER, NEVER post bulletins warning
about hoaxes that warn of bulletin hoaxes and hoax bulletins. And if you ever post a bulletin hoax warning
of a hoax bulletin warning of a bulletin hoax, it will activate a computer virus that will display a screen graphic
that will make your eyes cross and your face freeze that way.
Forward this bulletin to at least 5 friends in the next week, or the sky will start falling.

Threadkiller in a debate about the annoying question "Could God creat a rock he couldn't lift?"
I think the debate-ender is this: God has the power to ignore people who suggest he create a rock
that he can’t lift. And perhaps if we are lucky he can smite them with some sort of plague.
Maybe the movie “Snakes on a Plane” was this very plague.

Comment about someone else using the same line "Lost - one mind. If found..." as I used
in a message board profile:
I'm thinking it's more of a psychic plagiarism situation.  I knew I should have wrapped my head
in aluminum foil when I was creating my profile! Or maybe it was those space aliens who visited me
the night before - you know, the ones who told me "Type this - it's never been used by anyone else
in the galaxy!"  Or maybe even a cosmic data collision, sort of like a
"You got dilithium in my corbomite!"  "No, you got corbomite in my dilithium!" kind of situation.
Either way, the universe is laughing behind our backs...

My opinion of a strange website with no content, just a voice saying "This is Zombo.com"
I see it as a kind of cosmic portal, sort of like the one you walk into and then come out of to find
you're back in the same place on the other side. Somewhat like a Mobius strip joint, or a Gordian square knot.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to put the prime rib into the zoroaster and go walk the doggerel.

Comments on an incident where a passenger was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for
a T-shirt with an obscene message:
Southwest Airlines is the worst airline I've ever flown on, with their "cram 'em in and fly 'em out" attitude.
Whoever bitched about the shirt probably got a bad pack o' peanuts for dinner.

When asked, "Are we alone in the universe?"
Mixed opinion here.  No, there has to be other life out there.  No, I don't think it could stop by and say hello.
It's my belief that anything that far away would exhaust its natural resources or destroy themselves with war,
famine, pollution, etc.  before becoming capable of visiting.
Having said that, I believe in science fiction, the power of imagination, and the probability that alien visitors
will never show up in court to sue us for slander or plagiarism.

Snappy comeback to someone who didn't understand the humor in an online comic:
It's called dry humor.  That's why it comes with the little packet that says "Do Not Eat."
 
Reply to a silly computer problem description on Usenet, involving drivers and Outlook Express:
The driver for Outlook Express IP Limousine Layer Transport is a double agent.
If you see him, the code word is "Gator."  He will give you a packet with 1024 bytes enclosed,
and a checksum of $4Eh for your efforts.  Be careful where you spend it, because some operations have
had their process terminated and been core dumped in the Ebay.  Deliver this packet to the host,
using only the routing table on the map enclosed.  You will identify him by the subnet mask he wears.
When the host has received his packet, his only verbal reply will be "Ack!"
This signifies acceptance of the packet.  The People's Republic of China thanks you for your assistance.

Response to a flood of spam screaming "Buy Phentermine Cheap"
Hey moron, you don't BUY phentermine. You make it in your garage out of lip gloss, glass cleaner, butane lighter fluid,
chocolate milk, nuclear fuel cells, and - here's the secret ingredient from the drugstore - Preparation H.
Cook it at 350 degrees Fahrenheit (can't use Celsius so you can't make it in Canada) and voila, viola,
or violin - you got phentermine! Yes, you too can have a phentermine lab and put those meth heads to shame!
Druggalicious
USA - August 22, 2005 at 16:15:42 (EDT)

Comment to a Lord Of The Rings fan about "Elvish", the language that Tolkien invented...
I shaw Elvish at the Sheven Eleven yeshterday.

Response to a negative post about emergency preparedness being a "waste of time"...
Remember...homeland security starts at home. Keep those non-electronic emergency supplies ready,
including the duct tape - and in the event you don't have anything positive to say about emergency preparedness,
the duct tape should be used to cover the mouth.

A parody post about a bizarre news item...(Read the original here.)
Porkage County authors are struggling to clean up after the gluesome sniffing breath of
a Stupidity Point teenager who police say killed himself Saturday with a glue gun.
A 911 caller woke police at about 7:45 p.m. Saturday and a man, later identified as
Logan "Run" Sterling, 19, had crashed his vehicle into trees at North Shithead and Jackoff streets.
Sterling then fled on his remaining foot to a Dumbass Avenue residential residence less than a half-wit away
where he entered a stranger's garbage and used a hand saw to sever his neck, according to
groggy police and witless reports. The residential village idiot, who was watching "Jackass" at the time,
heard his dog barfing and saw the saw and found Sterling lying unconcerned and headless in the garage.
Stupidity Point police have ruled the crash intentional based on an interview with a she-male passenger in
Sterling's vehicle, who received only a minor contact high. The Porkage County Sheriff's Department
refuses to investigate Sterling's death as a suicide. "Because of the sheer idiocy of this, we'd like to find out
if he had a thought process at the time," said Sheriff's Lt. Ron Stupidowicz. "It seems he had been brain dead
for a while, and the loss of his head did not affect him significantly."
Juxta Position
USA - August 30, 2002 at 20:53:02 (EDT)

Another complaint about blogging:
I'm having a hard time understanding the world's obsession with Rants...excuse me, Rance.
You'd think that by now we'd all be oversaturated with reality TV shows, star stalker TV,
and the E! network (AOL keyword "E!" which isn't a word, so how is it a keyword?)
Another star gets caught having a package of Snortables for lunch. Someone modifies their chest
with non-OEM parts.  Whats-his-name flies his thingamajigger down to whatever-that-country-is
that used to be Czechoslovakian Guiana.  Who cares?  I've lived through my share of MOW [movie of the week]
scenarios, and all I can say is that those people who substitute entertainment for living are missing their chance
to produce and direct that daily script that we call life.  Scribo ergo sum...

Response to a post by a computer nerd...
I shall have my vengeance, you who calls yourself Computer Nerd! A pox on you and your kin!
Your descendants are condemned to play useless games with ivory boxes that are possessed by demons
that glare at you from a glowing portal to Hell! The demons will stare and mock you with cryptic curses
such as "Ye have a mortal error in thy system" and "Ye have nary enough RAM to carry out this task."
Not even the glimmering Rune Stone handed down from the Lord William Gates, which bears the
magical inscription "Discus of Recovery", can save you from your fate!

Reply to an idiot who was spamming a message board:
No, no, 10^3 times no!!! That's not how you spam, you blatheratasting ninnypooperator.
The correct spam spelling is "Utlram". Get it wrong, or get it the hexadecimal out of here!!!
And it's "chaep" meds. Don't you know anything about spamming? As a matter of factoid,
it isn't even meds, it's "mads." Repeat after me: "Genreic mads - Utlram, Xaanx, Adpiex,
Viiiaaagggrraaa, Prepraition H, Depo-Prvoera, RU-468, all form our phramacy."
Now you're getting somewhere, you ingorant dmubass.
Spamming 101 <Get with the program, for only $14.99>
LA means Lousiana, you idiot! - June 07, 2005 at 01:08:07 (EDT)

Message board post about atheists...
Is it possible to commit blasphemy against atheism?
When you are converted to atheism, are you un-baptized with a blow dryer?
[The last one is another winner of the "Spit Coke On Your Monitor Laughing" award]
Do atheists un-proselytize about which religion they believe in the least?
Do they hand out leaflets written by Jack Dude, the chief anti-zealot and Jack Chick's arch enemy?
Has Madalyn Murray O'Hair been anti-canonized (or de-beatified) yet?
Do they hand out burnt biscuits instead of communion crackers?

Comment to "Car Talk" on "What is the ugliest car..."
Of course it's the Pontiac Aztek.  I'm sure you are old enough to imagine an issue of Superman comics
with a bad clone of Superman driving one around and yelling "Me like drive Bizarro Car!"
There's gotta be some Kryptonite in that car somewhere...

Why a Vatican gift shop?
So they can sell Pope-on-a-Rope and the George Foreman Papal Election Smoker Grill. T-shirts
saying "I received an audience with the pope and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Big papal cheesehead hats.
Crucifix antenna balls. Four-cheese communion wafers. Holy Evian water. Autographed Bibles.
Holy Grail wine glass sets. Bob Vila's Do-It-Yourself Confessional kits. All this and more.

Note:  The previous message was responsible for one reader getting kicked out of an apartment for
laughing too loud and spitting Coke on her friend's computer.  Sorry...

Response to someone on a screenwriting bulletin board who posted an article saying:
"This year, Affleck, Damon, and Moore are looking for a rookie horror filmmaker..."
So they want someone to make "The Rookie Horror Picture Show"...or is that what Chris is there for?
Logline:  A newly chosen writer and director have a plot breakdown in a reality series and must follow
the bizarre plans of the evil Chris Moore.  (parody of IMDB logline)
Sorry...this one was just TOO obvious to let slide...

My comment on "bloggery" in a chat room:
Bloggers generally have egos that are inflated to 35 psi.  Somebody needs to throw down a spike strip
that says "NOBODY CARES!"

Post on a bulletin board about some mystical "gate" to another dimension...
I know of the gate that was closed 1000 years ago. The medieval garage door opener wasn't working
and the feudal landowner never replaced it with another ox. It was abandoned until the Renaissance
when Michelangelo was hired as a painting contractor to spruce it up a bit. He got overspray from the paint sprayer
on the landowner's coat of arms and was fired, and walked away saying he had a better job lined up anyway
painting ceilings. Today it is a tourist attraction similar to the gate at Graceland, except it's haunted by Dracula
instead of Elvis.

Comment about the real meaning of Christmas, posted on a music parody site...
"Humbug" so drastically understates the feelings of loathing I have for this season
and it's crowded parking lots, idiot drivers, incessant aggravating music
with repetitive lyrics, and nog-induced delusional cheer.  If I hear someone
sing "a-rum-pa-pum-pum" again, I'll give them a rum-pa-pum-pum on their big bum!

Posted on the same site in response to "Do you believe in dragons, vampires, etc."
Santa is just a dyslexic Satan.  Fire breathing dragons suffer from bruxism (grinding their teeth) and belch methane,
so of course it ignites.  As for vampires and werewolves and wolfman - OH MY - I believe that.....excuse me,
Bigfoot's at the door and he wants to ask my throw rug out on a date again.  I'll be back...

Answer to question about when a TV show will "jump the shark"
When ANY show adds a kid.  Eight is Enough, Brady Bunch, Gimme A Break,
Growing Pains, Family Ties, Cosby Show, The [1988-1992] George Bush Presidency, and so on...

Email answering a question about PCS coverage in Longview, WA:
What trees?  Those are all brown PCS towers with little green antennas.
Think I'm kidding?  I'll show you one at the end of my street.
PCS works near the cities and I-5, but once you drive out into the woods
the signals vanish mysteriously...and then it gets really dark...and you stop
to ask someone directions and he turns around and you realize...it's Bigfoot!
And Bigfoot's got 4 bars on his AT&T phone!!!
(Side note: our local newspaper needs to call me.  They probably need a
humor columnist, but all they ever call me for is when I don't pay the paper
carrier on time.)

Reply to a post about our existence being someone's virtual reality program:
This is what happens when physicists watch South Park.
To me, the very fact that life is so fragile means that it was not planned, or planned in the image of someone
who was overworked with his six-day work week and 12 hour work days, rushing to meet a late Saturday deadline.
Of course you know my theory of how life began on Earth.  A few aliens landed on a barren rock way back when,
had a picnic, and didn't do a very good job of picking up their trash.
We probably evolved from organisms in a moldy alien tuna fish sandwich.

Email commenting to a film industry person about local locations:
We also have that volcano, but it's inactive...great backdrop though for
"Joe Versus The Volcano 2 - The Dormant Years"

Email commenting on the show "South Park":
Why is it "Tynacorp" and then "Dynacorp"?
By the way, why don't they do another Halloween episode where they find out
that back in "Spooky Fish" they really DID send the real Cartman back, and
either Cartman only acts whichever way pisses off Stan and Kyle, which causes
Stan and Kyle to retrieve the long-lost weapon to send him back ("Screw you guys,
I'm not going home!")  and they blow a hole in the universe, causing a straight Mr. Garrison,
Courtney Love-style Cartman's Mom with morals, a redneck Chef, and others to appear.
Yeah, the concept could carry a two-parter, right?
[Addendum:  Both Cartmans take the weapon, and send Kyle and Stan somewhere "where
you will be trapped...for eternitaahh!!!" as in Wrath of Khan.  They call Kenny on a kid's toy walkie-talkie, and
he unlocks Kyle's house's bathroom door and lets them out - Stan sabotaged the weapon!  Kyle's
mom yells "I thought I told you never to play Wrath of Khan in the bathroom again!"
Ike walks up to Kenny, saying "He's dead, Jim!"  Kenny mumbles, "Not yet, asshole."]
Guess I need to go see my shrink again.  He told me to call him next time I started
talking spec scripts and pitching them to strangers...

When answering the question "What movies were two hours too long?"
2001:  A Space Odyssey.  I fell asleep trying to watch it when I was 9.
I fell asleep again trying to watch it when I was 39.   I'm not even trying to watch it again
when I'm 69...I might wake up dead or something.

Response to someone who emailed me a golf joke...
Now you're REALLY making me feel old...telling me jokes that involve golf...
 What would cheer me up more right now is hearing that a volcano has erupted
in the Hollywood Hills, forcing the film industry to move to Portland, Oregon - as
soon as they finish filming Joe Versus The Volcano 2.
 I think I'll have a swig o' Geritol and shop around for walkers and canes now...if
I can read the catalog with my new quadrafocal glasses...(insert wrinkled smiley face here)...
 ...Ancient Comedygeezer
 By the way, I found out that "Kid Notorious" Robert Evans is older than my dad!
That makes me feel just a bit more optimistic about getting to write for
Comedy Central in the next 30 years...

Miscellaneous email comments...
There are even pictures of me on the internet, but the glare off my head might cause screen burn on your monitor.
Search for it at your own risk!

I apologize for the lack of apologies. They will resume soon. I've just been sort of distracted by stuff,
such as real life....of course I apologize for not apologizing sooner.

So...someone else out there uses the word "blabberwock" ?
 Damn...should have trademarked it back in ' 74...

Modified email describing a company email spam filter:
Subject: Changes to Network Intermittantstructure
The IT Department will be adding two new gee-whiz gizmos to the network this week, and we wanted to alert you
to some changes you might not notice.  One device that we are adding is designed to filter SPAM (processed meat product),
and the other will cure the common cold.  The SPAM filter does not delete any email you receive, but instead tags the email
with one of six different USDA inspection tags:
SPAM : (Banned Sender) - this means that this sender is known to send spam raw and uncooked.
SPAM : (Banned IP) - this means that this address is known to send spam cooked but past the expiration date.
SPAM : (L1) \
SPAM : (L2)  \ _____ These messages represent email that the filter believes to smell like SPAM, and the level of reliability.
L1 is a 50/50 chance of being spam, L4 is 90% SPAM and horsemeat : L3 likely to be Spam and catfood, etc...
Please assist us in determining how yummy the SPAM is.  If you experience any problems with your lunch after
the SPAM filter is in place, please email us...
If you have any questions, feel free to address them to another department.  Thank you for you time.

Reply to a Nigerian scammer:
Idiot, idiot, idiot!
You are an idiot!
Being the idiot that you are, Interpol has traced your email instantly.
Look out your window.  They are in hiding and waiting for you.
You need to erase your computer hard disk NOW or they will catch you.
Quickly!  Format your hard drive to erase all the evidence!
What are you waiting for!  If they catch you sending these messages they
will turn you over to the secret police who will beat a confession out of you.
They only torture and cause great pain to idiots who get caught like you.
They will make you suffer for the crimes of all your friends.
 DO IT NOW!  REFORMAT YOUR HARD DISKS NOW!
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!!  ERASE EVERYTHING!!!

Why I'm not a moderator on any message boards.
This is why I'm not a moderator anywhere...I wouldn't want to seem superior to all the idiots...excuse me, users...
on the boards.  Even lowly peons...excuse me, inexperienced users...deserve a good beating...excuse me,
deserve the highest respect.  That's why I never ask to be Board Lord...excuse me, Moderator - and I'm sure
all the "morrons and loosers"...excuse me, regular visitors...will appreciate that.

Reply to a comment that "there are too many guns in movies"
...that gives me a great idea for a screenplay. "An activist tries to disarm a future society where
all humans are implanted with guns." Working title: "Bowling for Fahrenheit 2911." Anybody got
Michael Moore's number? I'll recommend you for that A.D. job...before SHOOTING starts...

And now, a mild change of pace.
Don't send me religious spam...EVER.  I don't want to wind up
arguing over it.  Also, don't put my name on a mailing list like this
associated with crap like making the US a "Christian Nation."
This country was founded on freedom of religion AND freedom from
government sanctioned religion.

When asked "What is your favorite infomercial?"
How is it possible to like an infomercial?
They all seem to fall into one category:  Straight man who's seen a few too many jolts to the head
from the electronic ab-firmer, and the pitchman who's had someone
substituting "male perfomance enhancer" for his Ritalin.
Of course you can just change the channel.  Can't do that with your local soon-to-be-ex-friend Amway salesperson.

A few comments on "film noir" on a message board...
I never got the "post-modern" thing. Does that make us "pre-future" ? And when did things stop being modern?
Somebody, please, let me know when the future becomes obsolete.
Pseudo-faux para-noir. That would let us refer to flashbacks as "para-noir experiences."
Throw in enough foreign-sounding words, and you can make "old movies" sound really cool.

Miscellaneous comment in a scientific discussion:
Schroedinger, get your ass over here and pick up your damn cat!
It's starting to change my perception of reality into one that smells really bad.

A comment about Project Greenlight...
Shaker Heights was axed?  I thought it had the same token run as Stolen Summer.
Or are you referring to PGL being axed?  Damn...must have been the last Gigli joke I made in chat that sealed it.

Part of a very brief comment about a Russian blog:
That pretty much sums up what I know about Russian history, except for noticing a
slight resemblance between Mike Ditka and Josef Stalin...

Definition of "parasite":
A parasite is [the place] where you bend over to pick up a paradigm on the ground and become paralyzed.
You utter a nasty paraphrase as the paramedics haul you away.

Suggestions for a "separated at birth" list.
Future presidential hopeful John Kerry and future cartoon character George Jetson?
 Of course, the obvious one is George's dog Astro and Shaggy's dog Scooby Doo,
who came from the same litter.
 Maybe Rosie O'Donnell and Rosie the Robot Maid?
 Damn, I better turn off the TV before I start talking about how Pikachu
must have been cloned from the back end of a new yellow VW Beetle...

Response to a female Nigerian scammer claiming to be the widow
of a rebel general...
He is a rebel leader for 30 years?  That makes you an old woman.
 I hope you put me in your will so I can inherit a large sum of money very soon.
 In the meantime I recommend that you see someone for a makeover or
plastic surgery so you can get by on your looks, as it seems these may be
your only means of attracting men with money.
 I am considering your email for display on my website at
http://home.onemain.com/~nospamtoday/nigerianscam.htm
[Update - she's not included, but other scammers have been heckled there.]
I hope you will see it soon.
 Sincerely,
General Mayhem
Exalted Leader, United Forces of the Comedic Revolution

Comment to a friend who just joined a rowing team...
I was invited to join a college rowing team back when I was in college
(now that makes sense, huh?) by a girl I wanted to date.  I had second and
third thoughts because:  It was the middle of winter in Philadelphia, I can't swim,
the river was the Schuylkill river which is a wonderful shade of slimy green, and
still being a skinny teenager vs. the old comedywriter I am now, I wasn't up to
the competition...for the rowing OR for the girl.
I still don't know how to swim, I moved away from Philly, I still don't do well at
competition...but at least I'm married now!

Comment to a commentator on a comment in her commentary website:
"Kathleen Parker, the country's fastest-growing columnist..." ?
To respond with another common grammatical mistake,
"Are we pregnant?"

And now, another mild change of pace...
NOBODY seems to see that the only people who will benefit
from HDTV are the large companies [names deleted to protect the guilty]
while the Republicans who hatched this idea will also benefit
from cutting off access to the "liberal" media to the bottom 20%
of TV viewers left in the dark by the forced "transition".
Thank you, [guilty party], for supporting disenfranchisement.
I will assume that you got a good return on your political donations.

Telling someone how I met my wife:
...three years after high school, I was talking on the 1980
version of "chat rooms"...you would dial a rural phone number that was always busy,
several others would call it, and you'd all talk over the busy signal!  I was talking to
a woman [who I met there], and she said, "I've got to use the bathroom - here, talk to Brenda.  You'll
like her!"  Sure enough, I did - flew out from Philadelphia to California 4 months later [to visit],
moved out six weeks later, and we were married in 1982.  Oh, by the way...that
phone "chat" happened on October 12th...20 years ago last week [2000]!  I still tell that story
every time someone says "Internet relationships NEVER work!"
[Update:  We're still married.]

Comment to someone fighting a software company's laywers...
No, I'm not a lawyer...and I don't play one on TV.
Keep up the good work, and have fun doing the
EULA Hula with these guys...

Emailing the Discovery Channel:
I saw your promo which included the quote, "Animal Planet's not a planet!"
Well, what about Pluto?
Oh yeah, that's the Disney Channel.  Sorry!

Response to a misspelling in a cable company's mailing insert...
"Test Your Knowledge", question 5:
"Lightening" doesn't accompany thunderstorms.  Darkening always does, though.
Exception:  when you are hit by LIGHTNING,  it may cause lightening of your hair.
If PBS has made contributions to Democratic candidates, I guess you could call
this your contribution to Dan Quayle's presidential campaign...

Email to a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan site:
Did you ever get the idea that the creators of MST3K, along with some of these wannabees,
have watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show a few thousand too many times???
Either that, or they've eaten too much Meat Loaf...
But who am I to complain...I once, during a long cross-country flight, took the
seatback directions to using it as a flotation device and modified it to show the
directions to doing the Time Warp.  My first date with my wife was the Rocky
Horror Picture Show at a theater in Hollywood.  We have both the video AND
the record.  The movie started the careers of  three actors and a rock star, as
well as most likely ruining the careers of many lesser-known actors, violating
numerous fire regulations and public nudity laws, feeding rice-addicted rodents,
raising paper company stock prices, and providing a good excuse for sleeping in
on a Sunday morning.

Marketing slogan suggested for Pocket PC operating systems:
Windows CE...it puts a browser in your trouser!!!

Edited version of a company program announcement...
            Employee of the Quarter:
       Please forward any nominations for the 1st Quarter...All submissions must contain
employee name, location and explanation as to why the nominated employee has not yet been terminated...
Remember...the winner receives one quarter.  We reserve the right to substitute dimes and nickels.

Accuse me of spamming, and get a reply like this one...
Do you want to make money, lose weight, get a diploma, improve your
sex life, gain knowledge, be popular, and scare away demons?  Try T's
Magical Herbal Anti-Occult Dietary Supplements!!!  Not available in stores,
these magical pills also are known to increase your typing speed and
internet bandwith, and freshen your breath.  Some users have also planted
them and grown beanstalks with the capacity to reach giant-containing
cumulus clouds.  So what are you waiting for? Order today! In fact, our
psychics may have already processed your order.

Response to someone who mentioned the "meme generation"
(I still don't know what that means!)
...or was it the meme too generation? Wasn't she married to Tom Cruise first...
oh yeah, that was MIMI Rogers.  Never mind.  At least we don't see
memes in Times Square in imaginary boxes...with people throwing
paradigms into their hats...

Prompted by a typo in Skewpoint about "500 mg of RAM"
in a computer...
Is that 500 milligrams of RAM? (or maybe that should be Prozac...)
Must have been a typo, or the text would have read "...500 mg of
RAM and a Penthouse VI processor running at a speed of at least
3000 mph..."
Earl tackles telematics, television, technology and televangelists
in true tacky tabloid terms at:
http://www.teleport.com/~esgarber/bogus_news.html

Response to someone who panicked and said not to open
emails because a virus is going around...
Should I email him back and ask if it's OK to open email yet?
Or will he get upset because I opened HIS email?
Or is this the "do not open any email EVER" virus email hoax?
On second thought, never mind.  Do not open this email...

Can't keep the names out of this reply email.
I got the flyer in the mail with the $449 price.  My boss's one said
"Dell desktops starting at $399".
 Dude, I'm NOT getting a Dell.

Or this one...
At least they're not the old "Ray-O-Leak" blue and yellow batteries with
the "electrolyte wick" green tape over the positive contact...who can forget
those corroded contacts in the toys of our younger days....

Or this one...
Rumor has it that Microsoft has signed a 5 year contract with the
Iraqi Republican Guard to meet and greet the overseers of the
DOJ settlement.
 What is this settlement (and the previous breakup idea) supposed to
do to help anybody? This is as bad as the standard proposed
settlement you read about, with the $5 off coupons distributed to
customers for the next $100 product or service, except we get no
coupon at all. This is an "air-ware" settlement.
 I want my XP SE 4FREE!

Finally:  Test emails I've sent when I've had problems...
with my EMAIL, not my sanity!

This is only a test.  Do not panic...YET.
If this had been an actual emergency, your email would be delayed even longer!

Am I you?  Are you me? Are we us?  Am I my own imaginary friend?
Am I hearing voices, or am I talking to myself?  Did someone glue my
split personalities together?  Am I losing my mind and gaining another?
Did my karma run over my dogma?  I drink, therefore I am.
Cogito ergo something.  E pluribus aluminum.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?   I'M TYPING AS LOUD AS I CAN.

This is a flame email created by Flamezilla v.69
Bite me!!!

Email makes the world go 'round,
Except when it comes back "address not found."

As the Hindu people say, life sucks - and then it sucks all over again.

I hate to be a naysayer, but when there's nay to be sayin', I'll be sayin' it!

I smote your emoticon at the comic con.

...Get your free freakin' email from WeSuck.com

For it is written in the Great Book, Adverbs 3.14159: "Yea, verily, mightily, swiftly,
righteously, truthfully, justly - did I say swiftly - acrimoniously, and expediently."

In spam, there is truth; for the truly unspammed have not known life, as their unspammed minds
cannot comprehend the vastness of the spam that awaits them.

There are no trivial proverbs at all, for if all proverbs were trivial,
then only criminals would have trivial proverbs.

This site moved my soul. It tossed it in a U-haul truck and now it's in Cleveland.

Repair your credit. All it takes is a crescent wrench and a screwdriver.

I email you, you email me, we're an online family...
Hello from Barney.

That certainly threw a spork in the sprocket.

I'm sending me this email
It's nothing but a test
So I can only blame myself
If I become a pest.
So if it leaves this computer
And crashes the internet
And the cyber cops come for me
Well, I guess that's what I get.

Go back to the  Home of the Old Comedywriter