Extra Terrestrials - A short story by Earl S. Garber

EXTRA TERRESTRIALS

(n. Spare terrestrials; terrestrials left over when departing a planet.)

1. THE ALIEN HAS LANDED

"We're sorry!" boomed the voice from the ramp leading to the spacecraft's entrance. "We overbooked your return flight to the

planet Paraphernalia."

"Gasteroids!!!" said the alien.

"However, we do provide compensation to ticket holders who have been bumped from their flight. Here!" he said, handing a

shiny silver cube to the alien.

"Is that all?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Laryngoids!!!" said the alien.

"Our next flight will be in five lightmeasures."

"But - that's a whole earth week!"

"I'm afraid so."

"Hemorrhoids!!!" said the alien.

"Well, enjoy your stay, and thank you for flying on Spaceway Spacelines!"

With engines roaring, the spacecraft departed, leaving the alien holding his silver cube, which glowed in his hand.

"Boy, this is some universe, I'll tell ya! My cousin - she was cute, smart, had naturally curly antennas - you know, the

Force was with her and everything, and what happens? She winds up a housewife with forty kids and a husband who's a

chemicaholic! My brother who never learned how to stick a megamatrix in a megaprocessor becomes president of Allied

Megaputers! And here I am on a Sunday night on Earth with no place to break a fifty!"

He threw the cube. It hit a rock, and broke into ten pieces.

"Hey! It's a change machine! I didn't know they had these things in spaceports! Next thing you know, they'll have them in

laundramats too!"

He turned and looked to the north. There was the San Fernando Valley, with lights twinkling in lines crisscrossing.

"Nah," he said, turning to the south. "Last guy who went there almost wound up in a jar in the lab. This here looks like

ny kind of town!" he said, turning south toward Hollywood and staring at the colored lights below.

A short time later, he was at Hollywood and Vine, watching the unusual types walking by.

"Why do all these people dress like they're from another planet? Geez, I once dated a Hysteroid who looked like that one!"

Just then, a passing punk rocker yelled to him, "Hey dude, where'd ya get the rad haircut?"

"What's it to ya anyway! You ain't got enough money to get there!"

"Like wow dude, far out!"

"Yeah, farther then you think, colloid-breath!"

He turned and walked the other way. He passed under a sign saying 'NUDE, NUDE, NUDE! 24 HOURS A DAY!' He

shook his head.

"So what! I'm nude, nude, nude too, and our days are 26 hours!"

Just then, a cop walked up to him. "All right, hold it right there!"

The alien stared back. "What did I do? Is being nude a crime or something here?"

"Yeah, it is! And on top of that, I'll bet you're an illegal alien too!"

"What's illegal about being an alien? I've been one since I was born!"

"Uh-huh. Where were you born?"

"Chicago, stupid! Right in the middle of the Paranoid galaxy!"

"Look, let me give you some advice, huh? Don't do any more drugs, OK? You look like you've fried your brains already."

With that, the cop turned and walked away. The alien leaned against a wall, stared at the cop, and mumbled, "Drugs? Hah!

This guy is a living example of why doughnuts are illegal on our planet!"

Meanwhile, down the street, a motel desk clerk was trying to attract the attention of the maid, who was ignoring him

completely. In walked the alien, and up to the counter he went.

"Hey! I want a room!"

"All right, we got one left. That'll be fifty bucks!"

"Here!" The alien handed the clerk a silver cube.

"Yo! This is crap! I want money!"

"Money is crap! You need more?"

"Look bud, I've had all the crap I can handle for one night. Now give me real money or I'll call a cop!"

"I just gave it to you!"

"No! You gave me this weird looking crap!"

"Look, bud, this crap will buy a lot of things where I come from!"

"Oh, I get it. You must think you're an alien from outer space or something, huh?"

"Why do you morons always ask me that STUPID question! Of course I am!"

"And I guess that where you come from they call money 'crap', huh?"

"As a matter of fact, smart asteroids, they do!"

"Well, I don't give a crap! We don't accept this, and we don't take checks either!"

"Look!" said the alien. "Lean over here and look at this. This crap doesn't just buy things. It does things." The clerk

leaned over, then stared at the alien in disbelief. "Now think of something money can't buy, look at it again, and close your

eyes. Go ahead!"

He paused for a second, stared at the cube, and closed his eyes. He was startled by a hand on his shoulder. It was the

maid, who looked into his eyes and said, "I'm sorry if I was ignoring you. I was just busy with my work. How about a late

dinner after we're off work at midnight?"

The clerk reached back and grabbed a key, flipping it behind his back to the alien, who caught it with his foot and hopped up

the stairs to his room. And as he hopped, he said to himself, "Geez! This guy must think I'm stupid or something! What person

on this planet hasn't heard of playing craps!"

2. EARTH IS OK, JUST DON'T DRINK THE WATER

The alien was sitting on a blue-red rock in what seemed to be a jungle, with a furry female alien by his side. She turned

to him and said, "Look at my eyes. Tell me what you see." He replied, "You know, you're not bad looking for a Hysteroid."

She jumped up and screamed, "You jerk! You moron! You - you wombit-turd! How could you say such a thing! I hope you

get stuck on Earth for a few lightmeasures with fifty cubits and no amorpho!"

With that, the alien woke up from his dream. His eyelids opened sideways, and he sat up in bed screaming "AMORPHO!!!

AAAAAAAHHHH!!!" He put his hands on his stomach and said, "Dingdalteroids! If I can't find some amorpho, I can't digest

food, and if I can't digest food, I get a case of Mongazoid's Revenge!"

He jumped out of bed, ran down the hall and the stairs, and grabbed the first person he saw. "Hey! You gotta help me!

Where do I go to get something prepared by a chemist?"

The man replied in a heavy British accent, "Why, the chemist is right across the street, but on this side of the pond, they

call them drugstores."

The alien said,"That's great! Glad to meet someone who speaks my language. Thanks!"

The man replied, "You're welcome. Cheerio!"

The alien answered, "Yeah, and cornflakes to you too!"

He ran across the street to the drugstore and hopped up to the counter. He then proceeded to grab a piece of paper and a

pen, and scribbled something cryptic. Finally, he handed it to the druggist. His assistant groaned, "Oh no, not another holdup

note!" The druggist responded, "No. It's a formula, and if I remember correctly, it's aspirin!"

"Good!" yelled the alien. "You got any?"

"Well, yes. We have a whole aisle for that alone! However, I do recommend ibuprofen instead."

"Thanks, but no thanks!" The alien ran down the aisle, grabbed a bottle of aspirin, and ran to the counter. The lady at

the counter said to him, "OK. Is that all?"

"Well, if you've got any silicon jerky, I'll take some."

"Hmmm... that must be something new. We don't have any yet."

"Oh well, that'll be all then."

"That's two dollars and sixteen cents please."

"Here we go again." he said, putting a cube on the counter.

"What's that?"

"It's crap - I mean it's money."

"No it's not!" She yelled to the pharmacist in the back, "Hey Morris, we've got another kid in a Halloween costume trying

to pull a fast one!"

The alien put the cube in her hand, grabbed the aspirin, and ran out the door. The pharmacist ran to the front counter

yelling "Mabel! What did he get!" She replied, "Just a bottle of aspirin."

He stopped, took a deep breath, and put his hand on his forehead. "Thank God it wasn't something expensive! You scared

him off before he took something bigger! I'm going to give you a raise!" He turned to walk away, and she looked at the cube in

her hand. He turned around and said, "Hell, take the rest of the day off! You earned it!" She looked at the cube with a puzzled

expression, and dropped it into her purse.

Meanwhile, the alien tossed an aspirin into his mouth, ran to a water fountain, and took a drink. He wrinkled up his face

and said, "Ewww, it's got chlorine in it! Time for a chlorine purge!" as he burped loudly.

An old lady walking by turned around and said to him, "That was certainly rude!" He stared at her, burped again, and said,

"That's not half as rude as putting chlorine in the water and not putting up warning signs!"

Just then, he noticed a girl walking on the other side of the street. She was tall, she had long dark hair, and she was

very beautiful, but there was something else special about her which made the alien hop over cars, pedestrians, and a bus in

order to meet her.

"Hi there, hot stuff! You ambulating my way?"

She stared at him. "You've got to be kidding. Is it 'Be Kind To Aliens Week' already?"

"Haven't we met somewhere before?"

"Why don't you jump into a space warp and disappear, OK?"

"What's your sign? I'm a Trapezoid."

"You're not getting the message. Are you dense or something?"

"Not particularly, although my specific gravity has probably increased since I met you!"

"I don't believe I'm actually hearing this."

"You know, there's something special about you, but I can't put my digizoid on it." said the alien, holding up a crooked finger.

"Well, figure it out on your own time. I'm outta here!" she said, walking into a revolving door.

He stood there, shaking his antennas. Suddenly she re-emerged from the door, shouting and pointing at him. "You!

You're---You're..."

"Yeah, I'm him!"

"You! Your brother's with Megaputers, and your sister - gosh, I'm sorry!"

"No big deal. Our planet has some good divorce lawyers."

"How did you get here? I thought I'd never see you again after megaschool!"

"Well, it's a long story that just became about five lightmeasures longer. But enough about me - what about you?

Your face isn't blue any more! And your eyes! Did you go and marry an Earth person? Is that what happens to you? Geez, no

wonder my mom warned me about mixed marriages!"

"Hold it! I'm not married! I'll explain it later. Where can I meet you?"

"The Hollyvine Hotel - room 125."

"OK. See you in a third of a lightmeasure!"

She turned to walk away, but stopped, looked at the alien, and then hopped into the revolving door, leaving behind a smiling

alien.

Later, the girl walked through the door of the hotel and by the desk, where the same desk clerk from the previous day was

working. He jumped out of his chair, yelling "Hey lady, where you going!"

"Room 125" she answered, "to see a friend."

"125, huh? I wonder what kind of crap he's been giving you!"

"I beg your pardon!"

"Nothing. You wouldn't understand it."

"Oh yeah? Well I did understand it, and it wasn't funny!"

She continued down the hall and up the stairs as the desk clerk stared, shaking his head and mumbling, "Naaah. She's not

blue enough."

She reached 125 and opened the door, finding the alien sitting on the bed eating Twinkies. He handed her one,

saying, "Boy, these are good even without silicone."

She put the twinkie down. "I've got to explain what I've been doing here. Remember when I left to go to travel

coordinating school?"

"Yeah, I remember. You left without a postnote, a telecall, or anything!"

"I had to go. It was a great opportunity."

"Yeah, sure."

"Anyway, I graduated, and then I got this great idea! You know how people get bored visiting the same old planets year

after year?"

"Yeah, I guess this one's starting to bore me to optical liquids!"

"Well, I was watching a teleshow the other lightmeasure about these two guys. One was a cop named T.J., and the other

was a poet with pointy ears who searched for things. These guys and the doctor and two guys with funny accents set sail that

day for a three hour tour - a three hour tour. OOPS! Wrong teleshow theme music! Sorry!"

"Well, what did they do?"

"They went into space, and they were told not to interfere with the people on other planets - but they always did anyway,

and it gave me an idea! Did you know that Earth is full of criminals?"

"Yeah, and so is Spaceway Spacelines!"

"Seriously! Their printed records and teleshows are full of crime...and espionage. 'Spying' is their word for it."

"So, what's the idea?"

"The idea is that we come here on vacation, dress up as Earth people, and use our advanced intellects and technology to

solve Earth crimes for fun!"

"For FUN? These Earth people are crazy! They use black explosive powder and lead projectiles -'guns', they call them.

And they don't make pinholes like lasers, either!"

"Come on! You know that a superconducting field generator deflects lead."

"And I suppose you'll rent SFG's and ionization disrupters to any fool with a Spaceway ticket, huh? I'd hate to see what

you'd get with frequent travel bonus points!"

"Come on now! You know that a little technology can turn danger into fun."

"It'll take a big fusion bomb to get me anywhere near these lunatics."

Meanwhile, two big, mean looking men walked up to the desk.

"Yo! We're lookin' for a girl and a funny lookin' character. You seen 'em?"

"What's it to you?"

The shorter one pointed a gun in his face and said, "Which room?"

"Uh, um - 125. Upstairs."

"Good." He put the gun in his coat pocket. "You stay put, and don't give me any crap, OK?"

"Yeah, that's cool! At least I know what planet you guys are from!"

The two thugs made their way up the stairs and knocked on the door. The alien looked at the girl and said, "Are we

expecting somebody?"

Suddenly the door came crashing down and there were two thugs waving their guns at them.

The alien freaked out. "Dungazoids! I told you! But Noooo! You had to mess with 'crime' and 'espionage'. Now look what's

gonna happen! They're gonna shoot us with their primitive weapons, and..."

"Shaddap! You're pissin' me off, y'know!" said the goon.

"Sorry. There's a relief cubicle down the hall. They call it a bathroom."

"Shaddap, goddammit! I'm here to shoot ya, not talk to ya!"

The girl asked, "Why are you going to shoot us?"

"Because ya messed with the computer, that's why!"

"Which computer?"

"Tony Provalone's computer."

"What was in it that I messed with, and what was it used for?"

"Just a few records of a few under the table business deals that cost Tony half a million bucks."

Was that Mafia money or drug money?"

"Y'know, you ask a lotta questions for someone who's gonna get shot."

"But isn't that how it happens on the TV? The girl asks questions, finds out the plan, then grabs the bad guys' guns and

saves the world!"

"Yeah? Well, I don't watch TV. It's too violent." With that, he pulled the trigger. The bullet curved away and hit the wall.

A look of frustration came across his face. He fired five more shots, all of which veered off to either side.

The girl reached into her purse and pulled out a red box and a black weapon. She held up the box. "This is a

superconducting field generator." She then held up the weapon. "This is an ion disrupter unit." She fired it at a lamp, which

vaporized. "This is galactic dust! Now would either of you like to be a volunteer for a demonstration of the 'big bang' theory?"

The two thugs tripped over themselves, scrambled down the stairs, and ran by the desk, where the desk clerk yelled, "How'd

it go, guys?" The tall one yelled back, "Gotta go! Too much crap for me!" The desk clerk shook his head and said, "That guy

sure is some weird character!"

Back in the room, the alien slowly crawled out from under a blanket. He shook his antennas out so they were straight, and

said, "Holy testosteroids! I guess magnazoid force just made my day!"

She put the weapons down. "I don't know if it's the chlorine in the water or what, but my hands are shaking!"

"That's something called fear, OK? It's something you only get from visiting lunatic fringe planets like Earth."

"And how do you know so much about Earth?"

"You wanna know how? Try working at the War Department of a unigovernmental planet that's had peace for the last ninety

million lightmeasures! It's so boring I could come in to work stoned on alkazoid and nobody would notice! With a job like that

I need a little fun, so I go live with the loonies for a while."

"You only come here to have fun by passively watching, right?"

"Right! No way I'm gonna eat dead animals ionized with radio waves! I won't ride multi-passenger vehicles piloted by low-

paid morons! And absolutely no roller coasters! It's bad enough getting spacesick on the Spaceway flight and bagging my

lunch!"

"Do you mean to tell me that if you had the chance to wipe out a major source of illegal chemicals - drugs - you would just

forget about it?"

"Now wait a second! That's different! I'd just love to wipe up the surface of Hector Omega Asteroid with one of them."

"Well, that's what this Tony Provalone is all about. He sells drugs to people in this city, and according to my research,

has been responsible for 37 overdose deaths, 5 strategic murders, and fifty thousand dollars a day in total crime - not counting

him directly!"

"Sounds like we oughta make sure he wakes up glowing a little!"

"And I've got just the isotopes to do it!"

They shook hands, and the fun began.

3. THE HYSTEROID, THE ISOTOPES, AND EVERYTHING

There was a grunt in the darkness, and then the sound of blankets moving. Suddenly there was a yell. "Who turned on the

lights! Dammit!" The yell was followed by the sounds of kicking covers off the bed, and suddenly the room was filled with a

dim light.

"Mama mia - we've been nuked!"

He jumped out of his bed, glowing from head to toe. He ran into the shower, then ran out with a glowing bar of soap and

razor. He opened the window and tossed them out, then reached into his closet. He pulled out shirts, ties, and jackets, all

glowing. He searched his room, finding glowing money, drug bags, and a glowing .357 Magnum.

Meanwhile, there was something going on at the drugstore. Mabel yelled out, "Hey Morris, come look at what's on the cable

TV!" Morris came running. "What is it?"

"It's some radioactive mobster running around in his underwear."

Sure enough, there was a small camera peeking through a hole in the mobster's TV set, and it followed him as he ran to his

computer, turned it on, and typed in his name. The screen went blank, and up came a message: PICK ON SOMEONE

FROM YOUR OWN GALAXY!

"WE'VE BEEN NUKED BY ALIENS!" he yelled, running into the bathroom.

The girl and the alien both were stomping on the floor and laughing as they watched their motel TV. "See! I told you Earth

crime can be lots of fun!" said the girl.

"Yeah, and nothing grabs the feeble Earth mind like televideo!" replied the alien.

Meanwhile, Tony Provalone reached for his phone, which glowed when off hook, then darkened when hung up. This drew

more laughs from the aliens, and at the drugstore, Morris turned to Mabel and said, "I'll bet this is a science fiction cop show,

and he just ripped off a nuclear reactor."

Tony proceeded to call his hit men, screaming, "Yo! Get your butts over here NOW! We got some weird stuff going down!"

The hit man answered, "You ain't kidding! I'm watching you on cable TV channel 94."

"That's impossible!"

"Yeah, that's you all right. You're glowing, and it looks like you need to shave!"

"Shaddap and get over here!" yelled Tony, as he fumbled with his TV knobs while hanging up the phone. Sure enough, as he

turned to channel 94, he found himself face to face with himself on TV.

"Goddammit, I hate TV!" he yelled, firing his glowing gun at the TV set.

A short time later, the motel clerk watched as the two hit men went upstairs again, this time with Tony Provalone.

"Excuse me!" he said to Tony. "What's going on here?"

Tony replied, "This guy's been giving us a lotta crap, and now we're gonna take care of him."

They marched up the stairs, and the clerk turned his head and said, "Oh, I get it - he hired bodyguards!"

Once again, they kicked down the alien's door, and found the girl sitting on the bed with the red box in one hand and the

black weapon in the other. She pointed the weapon at the table and zapped it, leaving a bright cloud of gas in its place. Then

she turned toward the mobsters. She held up the box and the weapon, pointed toward the gas, and said, "S.F.G., I.D.U.,

hydrogen plasma - Physics Lesson Two!"

The mobsters took off, running down the stairs and out the door. The motel clerk just shook his head and said, "One of

these days I might just figure this out."

Meanwhile, the alien and the girl were laughing it up again upstairs. Suddenly, the girl turned to the alien and waved a

finger in the air. "I've got it! This will fix this guy once and for all!"

"Don't tell me - you're going to give him a twinkie full of Dormizol."

"No. I have a better idea. Do you know that this guy has a mother?"

"Aw, darn! I thought they cloned him from something that Geraldo Rivera pulled out of Al Capone's vault."

"Come on now! His mother lives in this city called 'Noo Yawk', and she has no idea what her rich little son was doing!

There's a big drug deal going on at the airport tonight with no cops, no feds, just one domineering mother flying in to town to

visit her son!"

"Yeah! Hey, my mother sure kicked my hinyzoid when she caught me in the closet with that Hysteroid!"

"I don't believe it. You're still the same."

"What?"

"You! It's been a thousand lightmeasures and you still can't forget that Hysteroid, can you!"

"Well, why should I! She was a Paraphernalian's fantasy - a fantasy which kept me going when all you Paraphernalian girls

were pushing us aside to try to catch a Hyper Force pilot."

"Did we really do all that to each other?"

"We sure as heck did - but what really clocks me off is that we still do it."

"But you were so immature - and sometimes you still are."

"And what guy on what planet doesn't act immature once in a timeframe or two around a girl - especially a beautiful one!"

"Come on! I'm not beautiful, especially with this pale face and these fat fingers."

"I meant everything I said to you, even the part about my specific gravity."

She looked into his alien eyes, and they closed sideways as he leaned over to kiss her. Suddenly, the door came crashing

down again. He leaned back and yelled, "Is it too much to expect a little privacy on this planet?"

He turned around to see two cops waving their badges. "We're police officers." they said simultaneously. "We're here

to check out an anonymous report of illegal prostitution." They turned toward the girl. "You must be the prostitute."

The alien said to the girl, "Now I understand your use of the word 'dense'."

"Who the hell is this?" said the cop. "I thought I seen 'em all - bondage, leather, you know - but I never seen 'em dress

like Martians."

"Martians? Hah!" snorted the alien. "If you had a brain you'd know that Martans were turquoise, not blue!"

"Nah!" said the other cop. "I think they're green."

"Only when they eat the spaceline food or hold their breath for a millimeasure."

"Enough of this!" said the first cop. "I'm here to arrest a hooker, not talk to an off-color Martian."

"AAAAY!" said the alien. "Now, that's going too far. You can say my mother wears spaceforce boots, or my father was an

insemination robot, but nobody calls me an off-color, you honkyzoid!" And with that, he pulled out a cube and the ion

disrupter.

The cops looked at the weapon, then at each other. The first cop said, "Look out! He's got a gun!" The second cop said,

"Don't shoot! Somebody might get hurt!"

The alien looked at the girl. "I don't think that disrupters work on anything this dense." He paused, looked at

the cops holding up their hands, then at the cube, then at the cops again. They had disappeared.

Meanwhile, on another planet, interplanetary criminals were being booked at the interplanetary police station. The two cops

were led in before the police superintendant, who said, "OK. Two aliens. What were they doing?" The interplanetary cop

smiled and replied, "Smuggling contraband." With that, she dropped a bag of Winchell's doughnuts on the desk.

Back at the hotel, the alien walked downstairs and up to the desk.

"Yo!" he said, ringing the bell. The clerk jumped out of the chair. "Who were those cops anyway?"

"I guess they were the crap squad!" The clerk laughed, pounded the counter, and walked away. The alien rang the bell

again. "Hey, keep it down!" said the clerk. "What do you want?"

"Who called the cops?"

"Provalone did! Who do you think called them? They didn't call themselves!"

"Well, we're going to fix him good."

"How? You going to tell his mommy on him?" More laughing and pounding.

"I guess you like our idea too, huh?" said the alien, as he walked back upstairs.

The clerk shook his head, saying, "I'll be glad when this is over!"

4. MAMA'S BOY

It was late at night at L.A. International Airport, and Tony was sitting in a chair with his henchmen by his sides. He turned

to the tall one and asked, "What was the name of that guy who has the stuff?"

"His name is Carlos Greenberg."

"What? That's not the kind of name you'd expect a drug smuggler to go by. Maybe something flashy, like El Mean Hombre

or Tony Provalone, but Carlos Greenberg?"

"Si! We be here!" said a tall black guy who was sitting behind Tony. "I got the stash - you got the cash?"

"Here!" said Tony, handing over a large stack of bills. He held out his hand for the package, and heard a voice from the

other direction...

"TONY! This ain't no kinda welcome for your mother!"

"Mom?"

"And with all your money, you invite me out here and send me tickets for an economy flight? I hadda stop in Cleveland, Tony.

CLEVELAND! You might as well have taken me to Harlem or Watts!"

Carlos tossed the drug bag into Tony's lap and jumped up. "Color me gone, dude!" he said, and ran out the exit.

Tony's mother had an exaggerated expression of horror on her face. "Tony, is that what I think it is? Please tell me it

ain't drugs. It would break your mother's heart and drive her to an early grave if it was, Tony. My son, a drug dealer? Think

what the neighbors would say! Mrs. Provalone has a son who sells drugs to people! Why can't you be more like Mrs.

Nosemeyer's son Harold? Harold runs a grocery store and he never sells drugs. His mother is proud of him. But you try to

embarrass me by being a drug dealer! Why can't you ever..."

"SHUT UP!" yelled Tony.

His mother stared at him, and stared, and stared.

"Please shut up?"

His mother smiled.

5. WIMPY NEW WORLD

The alien woke up to the sounds of a computer keyboard clicking, followed by shouts of "Oy Vey! Kamikaze! Hasta la

Pasta!" The girl hopped up from the computer desk and landed on the bed. "Tony's out of the drug business!"

"How do you know that?"

"Here - read this!"

The alien read the computer screen.

MRS. PROVALONE IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT HER SON, BEING

CLEAN AND DECENT LIKE MRS. NOSEMEYER'S SON, HAS MADE HIS MOTHER

PROUD BY NOT SELLING DRUGS. ALL YOU OTHER DRUG DEALERS LISTEN UP

- I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR MOTHERS TOO WHEN I SEE THEM AT THE

GROCERY STORE , SO BEHAVE YOURSELVES!

"I can't believe it! It worked!"

"A little space ingenuity always works" said the girl, as she squeezed a tube of silicone glue onto a twinkie.

Suddenly, the alien jumped up. "Look at the televideo!"

There was a man on the screen holding up a computer keyboard, and he said, "Do you have problems understanding

computers? Well, here is a solution! The new Megakilo from Megaputers will solve the problem even if you don't know how

to put a megamatrix in a megaprocessor!"

"I can't believe it!" yelled the alien.

"If you can't believe that, guess who I saw on Divorce Court!" said the girl.

"This is getting weird! I gotta go home soon before I start putting mustard on my food!"

"Yes, I guess I should change back to my usual blue self before our flight tonight."

"I can't wait to see you blue again. You have such pretty yellow eyes!"

"I'll be right back!" she said, running to the bathroom.

There were a few noises, then a toilet flushing, and finally out came a female alien.

"You're even more beautiful than I remember." he said.

"Thank you!" said the female alien.

"Let's get married!" he said.

"Get what?"

"Married! It's a wild idea, but what the heck!"

She sat on the bed next to him. "But this is only Earth!"

He held her hand with his crooked fingers and said, "Hey, I'd be lunar not to do the same thing on our home planet too."

She gazed into his eyes. "Where do we go to do this?"

A short time later they were standing in front of a minister, who said, "This is very unusual, but I guess our God is

present in your galaxy too. I'll do it. What are your names?"

The alien replied, "My name's Kirk, and she's Uhura."

The female alien stared at him.

"Sorry! I'm Resilio, and she's Marlisa."

"All right, if you're ready, let's start the ceremony! We are gathered here to unite these two aliens in holy and hopefully

intergalactic matrimony. If anyone has a reason why these two beings should not be joined, let them speak now."

There was silence.

"Do you, Resilio, take Marlisa as your wife, in sickness and in health, till death - or whatever happens to aliens - do you part?"

"I do."

"And do you, Marlisa, take Resilio as your husband, in sickness and health, till whatever do you part?"

"I do."

"The ring?"

The alien pulled out a cube, looked at it, and then looked into his other hand. There, he found a ring with a jewel that

changed color from red through the spectrum to violet and back again, over and over. He put it on her finger, and said, "As

long as these colors change, our love will always remain steady."

She looked at him and said, "Our colors may change, but never shall we."

And with that, the minister said, "With the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the

bride, or whatever it is you aliens do."

They kissed, finally. Suddenly, the alien shrieked. "AAAAAH! It's almost midnight! Our spaceflight is going to turn into a

pumpkin! Quick - grab your silicon slippers and let's get going!"

They ran and hopped to the spaceport in the Hollywood Hills. When they arrived, the voice

from the entrance ramp greeted them.

"Guess what?" boomed the voice.

"Gasteroids!" they both replied.

"However..." said the voice.

"Laryngoids!" they both replied.

Just then, two other aliens walked up to the ramp. "We're both ready, but do you have anything for spacesickness?"

The alien turned, and dug his long crooked finger into the pocket of his jeans, coming up with a package of something.

"Here!" he said. "This is what the Earth people use. It's called Plopfizz. They all brag about what a relief it is. Just

swallow them."

They swallowed them, and suddenly there was a loud rumbling and the other aliens started shaking. The male turned to the

female and yelled, "Quick, Robin - to the Bat-room!"

They ran off, leaving Resilio and Marlisa at the ramp. The booming voice announced, "I see we have two last millimeasure

cancellations, so you can board your spaceflight now."

They boarded, hand in hand. And as they walked, you could see their T-shirts which had a picture of our planet and the

words, 'Club Earth - Resort of the Stars (and galaxies)'!

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