Portage County authorities are struggling to explain the gruesome death of
a Stevens Point teenager who police say killed himself Saturday with a power saw.
A 911 caller alerted police at about 7:45 p.m. Saturday that a man, later identified as
Logan P. Sterling, 19, had crashed his vehicle into trees at North Second and Johnson streets.
Sterling then fled on foot to a Dubay Avenue residence less than a half-mile away
where he entered a stranger's garage and used a miter saw to sever his neck, according to
police and witness reports. The resident, who was watching TV at the time,
heard his dog barking and the sound of the saw and found Sterling lying unconscious in the garage.
Stevens Point police have ruled the crash intentional based on an interview with a male passenger in
Sterling's vehicle, who received only minor injuries. The Portage County Sheriff's Department
continues to investigate Sterling's death as a suicide. "Because of the nature of this, we'd like to find out
what his thought process was at the time," said Sheriff's Lt. Ron Ryskoski.
Vandergrafscrotum
USA - August 30, 2002 at 05:32:28 (EDT)

And the parody, posted later on the same board:

Porkage County authors are struggling to clean up after the gluesome sniffing breath of
a Stupidity Point teenager who police say killed himself Saturday with a glue gun.
A 911 caller woke police at about 7:45 p.m. Saturday and a man, later identified as
Logan "Run" Sterling, 19, had crashed his vehicle into trees at North Shithead and Jackoff streets.
Sterling then fled on his remaining foot to a Dumbass Avenue residential residence less than a half-wit away
where he entered a stranger's garbage and used a hand saw to sever his neck, according to
groggy police and witless reports. The residential village idiot, who was watching "Jackass" at the time,
heard his dog barfing and saw the saw and found Sterling lying unconcerned and headless in the garage.
Stupidity Point police have ruled the crash intentional based on an interview with a she-male passenger in
Sterling's vehicle, who received only a minor contact high. The Porkage County Sheriff's Department
refuses to investigate Sterling's death as a suicide. "Because of the sheer idiocy of this, we'd like to find out
if he had a thought process at the time," said Sheriff's Lt. Ron Stupidowicz. "It seems he had been brain dead
for a while, and the loss of his head did not affect him significantly."
Juxta Position
USA - August 30, 2002 at 20:53:02 (EDT)