1. An eject button on a VCR remote. Like, what's the purpose
of that? Think about it - if you push
the eject button, is there a "Suck Tape Back
In" button to push next? And what's the purpose of
remotely ejecting the tape when you have to
get up to put in a new tape anyway? Duh!
This one gets a @@@@ 4 dead brain cells
rating.
2. A low speed setting on a vacuum cleaner. Really now,
do you want to do an inefficient job of
cleaning on purpose? Instead of HIGH/LOW,
HI/LO, or just plain H/L for those who can't
write real words, they should call it REMOVE
MORE DIRT / REMOVE A LOT LESS DIRT.
This one gets a @@@ 3 dead brain cells rating.
3. Bottled drinking water. Y2K aside (that's a different
web
page entirely!) it seems like a
complete waste - and for those who say "But
tap water has nasty chemicals in it!" - I've heard
recently that bottled water was analyzed,
and some samples had stuff in it which can cause an
increase in usage of water by the toilet,
if you know what I mean.
To be fair, I've seen tap water in some cities
that looks like orange juice without the artificial flavoring.
@@ Two dead brain cells for this...but only
one if you live in Los Angeles.
4. Regular strength aspirin. Have you, to the best of your
knowledge, ever had a regular strength
headache? How about a marginal migraine?
A baby toothache?
@@@ Three dead but still painful brain cells
here.
5. Automobile cup holders that are exactly one inch deep.
According to the laws of physics, if
you put a 16 ounce drink in a cup holder one
inch deep and accelerate normally, it will stay
upright for approximately the time it takes
you to leave the fast-food parking lot.
Yeah, that's a big "gulp" when those ice cubes
hit your toes...
@@@1/2 dead brain cells here.
6. Welcome to the supermarket. What's so super about it?
The degree of idiocy that you get for free
without even using a coupon.
6a. Checkout counter people who will not put your gallons of milk in
a bag. Do they really believe that
we'd prefer to have the milk bouncing around
in the trunk with the power tools, or becoming a large
air hockey puck inside a mini-van? @@@
Three brain cells rolling on the floorboards here.
6b. Checkout counter people who will not put liters of soda in a paper
bag, and use plastic
bags instead. Fall over? That
happens before you get out the door - it's the rolling
around with the milk cartons that adds to
the fun. @@@@ Four brain cells suffocated in plastic.
6c. Checkout counter people who put things under the cart. This
includes such gems as kitty litter in
a paper wrapper under the cart to turn to
mush on a snowy day, a milk carton wedged so tight that
I still have the scar from forcibly removing
it, and a small jar of pickles that they were too lazy to put
in the bag with everything else. Really
now...@@@ Three dead brain cells under the wheels here.
6d. The store manager who, when asked why the big annoying plastic
advertisement holder was put on the
kid seat area so as to prevent your kids from
ever being comfortable, replied, "It's a corporate decision."
"BRAIN SPILL ON AISLE TWO!!!"
@@@@ Four loose brain cells to mop up here.
6e. The human speed bump - you know, the guy who blocks your
path saying "Hi, and welcome to
Foody Mart...how are you...are you finding
everything OK...can I help you find something...do you
need any help out..." Just once
I'd like to reply, "Well, I'm crappy - just got fired, my car got
repossessed, my wife ran off with my
best friend, I've just found out I have a terminal disease - yes,
you can help me find something - Dr. Kevorkian's
address!!!" @@ Two euthanized brain cells here.
6f. And now, welcome to the parking lot. People are very
polite while driving in the parking lot...in fact,
too polite. They stop and back up traffic
for pedestrians who are waiting for THEM, or stop and wait
for someone at a stop sign when they don't
have to. Then they probably sit and laugh at the game of
chicken that ensues while nobody can decide
who goes first. If our whole country was run this way,
we and England would be still debating a war
for independence. @@@ Three dead brain cells on
this one...or should it be four...or two...should
I decide? Nah, you go first. Or maybe not.
7. The vehicle with the large airbag warning sticker saying
"Children under age 10 should not ride
in the front seat of this vehicle."
The problem? This was a pickup with no rear seats!!!
@@@ Three dead brain cells as a result
of premature airbag deployment here (or was it
premature airhead deployment?)
8. People (if you can call them that) who refer to internet
data capacity as "bandwidth." For the
technologically impaired, bandwidth
refers to the space taken up by a transmitted signal. A phone
line carrying anything - whether
it's your annoying relative's voice, a 56k modem, or dead air -
has the same bandwidth. Seems
like someone wanted a "cool tech term" to use to hide the fact that
they had very little bandwidth between
the ears. Maybe the misuse of this word was invented by Al Gore!
@@@
Three dead "low-bandwidth" brain cells here. By the way, the correct
term is "throughput"...
9. Business (or is it "bizziness") owners who think it's
"kewl" to misspell the names of their products or
services in the name of their establishment,
such as "Kar Kare Korner" or "Kwikkie Supa Valu Mart."
Is that supposed to draw a higher class
clientele with superior spelling skills to their store? Is it
supposed to make them easier to find
in the alphabetical listings? Is it supposed to make small
children say to their parents "Hey Mom
and Dad - you shop here, and you complain about the
F on MY spelling test?" @@@ Tree
mizzpeled ded brian sells heere.
10. Advertising agencies which market a simple product by calling it
a "system", such as a bed being
referred to as a "sleep system", a toothbrush
being called an "oral hygiene system", and a
sandwich being named a "total feeding
system". I would refer to their minds as being a "complete
aggravation generating system."
@@@@ A system of four dead brain cells here.
11. Letters to the editor that can't stay on topic. Things such
as "Terrorism and violence are all because
we live in a society that allows abortion."
"Freedom of speech allows us to call children 'fags' in school."
"SUVs support terrorism." "You're
un-American if you object to [fill in the blank]" Single sentence
if / then statements which have two
disconnected thoughts are too common these days, and are an
attempt to connect a usually unpopular
cause to something legitimate. What's next? "You drink water,
therefore you support bombing North
Korea" or "My toaster died during the warranty
period, just like all the aborted fetuses."
Credibility disappears somewhere
between the two components. @@
Two dead brain cells here, therefore we should censor newspapers.
12. Drivers. Can they do anything right? Probably not, but here's what they do wrong:
12a. The woman in the car in front of you looking on the floor
for something, and it's probably something unimportant.
3 cars in front of you at
a red light, and this woman is face down on the floor searching.
Light turns green - she
looks up for a second. One car moves: she looks up. Second
car moves: she's
staring at the floor and
won't look up. You honk your horn finally, and you realize what she
must have been
trying to find was her middle
finger. All you can think is that her mind is an empty road.
The green light is on, but
nobody's home. The brain is idling, but won't go into gear.
@@@@ Four dead brain cells,
all turning green.
12b. The guy in front of you who slows down at the intersection
for the green light, then speeds up when it's yellow.
Times like this when you
wish you had a little Star Trek tech under the hood and could push the
"tractor beam"
button. @@ Two dead
brain cells that got away.
12c. Idiots who can't follow speed limits. Let's zero in on the
family idiot, the one who's always at least 10 miles per hour
over the limit with his
children in the car. Setting a great example for the kiddies, aren't
we? Well, since your kids
already learned how to raise
a middle finger and a bottle simultaneously by age one month, let's move
ahead to
their future when your "car-ma"
will come back on you. Your destiny is to hear these words from these
children
who you have raised to ignore
the speed limits: "Dad, can I borrow the car tonight?"
@@@
Three 16-year-old brain cells rolling down the road to disaster.
12d. That dumbass who passes you after tailgating for several
miles. As he passes you, and you see the fish symbol
on his trunk lid and the
"Jesus Saves" license plate frame and the "Darwin Was Wrong" bumper sticker,
you wonder:
Where in the Bible did Jesus
say "Thou shalt put thy pedal to thy metal, that thou shalt pass thine
enemies; and they
shall eat thy dust, for
thine is the kingdom of asphalt; and no speed limit shall thee obey,
for 'Thou shalt not make haste'
only appeareth on the original
list of Commandments which Moses choseth to spazzeth out on."
Praise the Lord, and pass
the mini-van! @@@ Three crucified and resurrected holy brain cells
here.
More to come further down the road...
13. People who insist on promoting the concept that when an electrical
appliance works sporadically or stops
working when bumped/shaken/stirred,
it has a "short in it." I can tell you first hand that if the lamp
has a
short in it, you'll see sparks.
If the TV has a short in it, it will only happen once and the fuse will
blow.
If the vacuum cleaner has a short
in it, you'll be looking for the circuit breaker very soon. People
who are
informed of this mis-use of the
term "short" and STILL repeat it, ironically, do not have a short circuit
between
the ears - it's more like an open circuit.
By the way, the correct term for an INTERMITTANT connection
is "intermittant connection."
@@@
Three zapped brain cells here from playing around with electrical
terms.
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