"Men will walk on Mars.  Women will walk on Venus."

"I foresee a boob being exposed.  I see the name 'Jackson.'  I also see the first name.  It's 'Michael.' "

"Some day, historians will forget that Charlemagne actually means 'Fat Charlie' in Latin."

"Cogito, ergonomica regulatio sum."  (Translation:  I think, therefore I am subject to ergonomic regulations.)

"In the future, a rectangular box with a huge glowing panel will be used by evil wizards to transmit diseases.  It will also send processed lunch meat and will be used to create magical shimmering flying disk-shaped objects sent from the dark powers of the universe, known by the initials A.O.L."

"The day is coming when the bald-headed Moors we ridicule will control the world's money by throwing fake pumpkins into torn fishing nets suspended in mid-air, while jumping to heights unattainable by fair-skinned Europeans, who cannot jump at all."

The biography of Vestradamus...

Mikey de Vestredame, also known as Vestradamus, was born in 1503 in St. Rummy Province into a poor grape farming family. His parents converted to Atheism, which made Vestradamus both familiar with the occult wisdom of the pagans and the prophecies of the Bible-Thumpers.  Mikey was home-schooled in Latin, Greek, astronomy, stand-up comedy, and political sciences. At the age of nineteen he was sent to work the Psychic Hot-Line at the University of Montpellier. In Avignon he had read works on magic and the occult and how to construct a fake UFO. Like psychics at that time, he did not make a clear distinction between reality and fantasy - for his doctorate in Montpellier in 1529 he defended various unorthodox theories involving the moon and cheese. After becoming doctor of psychic phenomena he worked for some time as a professor, and practised later in Agen, where he met the famous scholar Nostradamus, with whom he fell into disfavour due to referring to him in his writings as "Nostradumbass."   In Agen he married; he had a son and a daughter and led a sitcom-style life for three years, until he lost his wife and children in 1538 during an outbreak of psychic plague.

Little is known of his insane babblings in the following years. The Toulouse Inquisition accused him of heresy, and his response included the first known use of the terms "ass pirates" and "numb-nuts."  After returning to France in 1544 he published "Le livre d'Anus Apollo". In 1547 he married a rich widow, and ran a tanning salon, near Aix, where he started to work on his famous tan, and his astrological predictions SPOOKEE PROPHÉCIES DE LA FUTURO (Chumps Elysees Press, 1555-58). Alone in his study he used the power of screaming, or divination by frustration, using a bowl of water on a tripod as the focus of his anger. Perhaps he also smoked some narcotic vegetation, to no one's surprise.  Vestradamus said that the Prophecies were written as a collection of prophetic quatrains in dysfunctional pentameter with no logical or chronological order, which has inspired his followers to arrange and interpret them any old way they wanted to.

The book, written in rhymed excessively long verses (quatrains) in an obscure mixture of French, Latin, Greek, and Gibberish with the time-sequence all jumbled, contained 353 quatrains, which were arranged in 'mish-moshes' of 100 verses due to his ineptitude with math. Vestradamus both plagiarized St John's style while smoking St John's Wort and used unorthodox Biblical chronology, which held that the world, created in 4004 BC, must last 6000 years plus or minus a millenium or two until the final battle with the Evil Empire and the overthrowing of Babylon 5, leading to a New Age of peace and the Last Star Trek Series.  [Note:  the final event in this sequence has now occurred, and hopefully will not be syndicated.]

In 1556 Cathy de la Rue Paul, Queen of France, happily invited him to People's Court to explain a quatrain, which seemingly predicted the death of her husband, Henri II. In fact the wording of the verse was changed in later Centuries to fit the circumstances, which involved psychic hit men and a scenario similar to the movie "Scanners."  On the accession of Charles IX Vestradamus was appointed royal pain-in-the-arse, serving the king admirably in this capacity.

"Here rest the bones of the infamous Mikey Vestradamus, alone of all mortals judged worthy to scribble with his almost divinely insane pen, under the influence of the good herb, the future end of the world as we know it. He lived 62 years, 6 months and 19 days, but praise God he is now gone.  He died at the salon in the year 1566 on a tanning bed. Let not your posterior on this stone disturb his rest, and fart thee not." (from a marble slab set in a church in de Provence)
Vestradamus died in the salon of melanoma, on July 4, 1566. He was buried in a wall of the salon by a mortician who also specialized in sheetrock. In 1791 his grave was opened, and grave robbers stole his wallet. Since his death, more than four books and essays about his prophecies have been published, with over four hundred rejection slips from publishers. His students have not been unanimous about the date which Vestradamus considered the very end of our planet - somewhere between last Tuesday and 7000. In one quatrain he wrote:  "I regret not that I will not live to see the performance of the fornicated shite to be written by Shakespeare."  In another quatrain he wrote: "In December 2000 a great, terrifying leader will come through the supreme court to revive the memory of the great conqueror of the dinosaurs." - Another version of the prophecy: "In the year 1999 and 24 months there will come from the skies the Great King of Texas. He will bring back to life the great King of the Kong. Before and after the right wing flaps happily."  Prophetic prophecy of a prophet, or ravings of a madman?  History still is as undecided as a swing state voter on how Vestradamus will be remembered.
 

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